Letters to the Editor
by Lika Amanaka
Summary: Hilde's righteous indignation over some random article in a magazine leads her to write a letter to the editor. Read along and laugh out loud at her childish antics. Mild swearing. Ch 2 is written by Quatre, a wacky letter to the editor as well!
1. Hilde Writes a Letter to the Editor

**Letters to the Editor – By Lika Amanaka**

"What's this dribble?" Hilde exclaimed.

"The what?" Duo looked up from his comic book, only mildly interested. Glork was just about to transform and squish tiny Zorlock's brain into a massive pulp, but Zorlock always had a plan up his sleeve.

"This gibberish! It's garbage! They call this news? Mundane happenings of the rich and famous is hardly news!" Hilde continued.

"Ahem…" Dorothy cleared her throat and looked over disapprovingly. "Now if the Pope farted during Easter Mass, now that would be mundane, as he's probably 1000 years old and does that all the time. I happen to like news about the 'rich and famous'." Dorothy continued, ducking to avoid a crumpled paper ball Trowa threw at her.

"You're unbelievable." He muttered. "Picking on a 1000 year old man."

"Still!" Hilde insisted, "I could write far better crap to go into this paper."

"Why don't you? I bet you'd be good at it!" Quatre exclaimed.

"No good Q, don't encourage her." Duo muttered, still engrossed in his comic book, unhappy that Zorlock had avoided defeat yet again.

"You know what I'm going to do?" Hilde asked, ignoring Duo completely. "Write a letter to the editor!" Hilde flipped open her notebook and began writing.

"Dear Sack of Shit…or should I say Jack in the Box?" Hilde asked no one in particular.

She began again.

Dear Ugly Bag of Water1,

Your newest article caused the bile to rise in my throat. I could not believe the incredible lack of news or originality attributed in this month's magazine. It was flat out the most disgusting piece of trash to hit newsprint in over a century (that's 100 years for unintelligent baboons such as yourself).

I found the bit the other day about a Muppet's face appearing on a piece of burnt toast more compelling than the erroneous, fly swatting crap you print. Speaking of crap, the stuff you write and print would be put to better use as toilet paper in an impoverished country! If I'm not making myself perfectly clear, than let me explain in simple English! I hate your article and I will boycott your ridiculously lacklustre news magazine.

If the Tooth Fairy and a Leprechaun got together and gave birth to a Genie in a Lamp it would be far more accurate than the false accounts of nonsense I've read in here today. Under no circumstance did I purchase your paper expecting to come across this hideous display of arrogance and deceit!

I feel I have been completely cheated by your price as I wouldn't have paid a cent over zero for it if I had known. I have been completely mislead by your brand and its ludicrously false advertising! The pottage of veggie peels, diapers and batteries is no match for the fodder your newsletter provides a hungry landfill. I would never dream of recycling your nauseating paper in fear it would become poisonous plant food and grow mutant devil trees that would blot out the Sun's rays and plunge humanity once more into the Dark Ages.

In fact, if this were the Dark Ages, you'd be burned at the stake and/or publicly hanged (or hanged and burned if I had my way) for printing the blasphemous, toe clinching, mud swallow you print today –

"Jesus, Hilde!" Duo exclaimed. He was standing over her shoulder reading along. "Is this a letter or a novel?" He asked.

"It's a letter and it's allowed to be as long as I want it to be" Hilde replied.

"Her essay does make a few good points," Trowa spoke up. They were by now, all standing around her as she wrote.

"Ya," Said Dorothy. "I especially liked the part about the leprechaun and genie making a baby fairy."

"Um, I think you got that turned around. It's – oh never mind." Trowa rolled his eyes and gave up.

"Hilde," Quatre started. "I appreciate the gravity of your feelings, but I wonder. Don't you think you've made your point?"

"I told you not to encourage her" Duo replied before Hilde would answer.

"No, I don't think I'm finished yet! I've got plenty more to say about this, this, this monstrosity!" Hilde exclaimed, still as fired up as when she began.

"What's got you all riled up anyway?" Heero asked, making everyone jump a mile high. No one had noticed him enter the room. He reached out and picked up the magazine Hilde had been reading.

"_Relena Dorlian hits the beach, savouring her all time favourite spinach flavoured ice cream! The benefits of which help create her dazzling smile and perfect blemish free skin!"_

Blank stares all around made Hilde speak up, "That's not true! Her favourite is strawberry!"

O_o; _ -_-;

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>AN: I hope you all enjoyed! It was the most fun ever writing and re-reading Hilde's righteous indignation over some random article. I wrote this with pen and paper sometime in June 2011, all angry bout something, but as I found silly ways of childishly swearing as I wrote, I just burst out laughing and totally forgot what I was angry about! I had completely forgotten about this fic, but found it this morning as I rummaged through my notebooks :D Best find ever!<p>

Happy 2012 everyone!

1 My 8th grade teacher Mr. Marco used to call us students UBOW's all the time lol. "Ugly Bags Of Water", and technically he's right, the human body is about 70% water and the skin that olds it all in acts as a bag… we all loved him, he was a great teacher with an hell of a sense of humour too!


	2. When Life Hits You with a Sledge Hammer

Letters to the Editor – Ch 2 by Lika Amanaka

_When Life Hits You with A Sledge Hammer- A Quatre Winner fic_

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>You know how it is. One day you're picking strawberries in a merrily, sun-shiny, day-dreamy way when all of a sudden, wham! Life hits you with a sledge hammer! You go from up to down so fast you're left wondering who you are and what your name is cause you're too busy to remember.<p>

You gotta do this, you gotta do that, you have to finish this and start that. Then in the middle of all this you gotta stop to eat, sleep, shower, sleep, shower, eat, shower again and maybe skip the eat and the sleep cause you know, you're a zombie slave anyway,. There'll probably be a feast of mashed brains for you to feed off of when your brain malfunctions and turns to mush. Or explodes from the constant stress, whichever comes first.

Why not just quit? You obviously bit off more than you can chew right? Wrong! I'm not a quitter, I'm a winner (cause I've never heard _that_ one before, ha!).

You can't just be all like "this is hard" and "I cant do this anymore" or "I cant go on" and "I'll never let go"….wait…I think that last part's from a movie. Anyway, the world is banking on you (literally, my family owns half of all the banks in the world) to succeed. Oh the irony of saving the world only to be destroyed by it.

Alright I'm being over dramatic (or melodramatic, whatever you want to call it). It's just that it always all comes at you at once from all directions, instead of little tiny life packets compressed in zip files, you get mountained by a pile of paper that literally blocks you from view of the world and if it wasn't for the windows you wouldn't know if it were night or day anyway.

And on top of that, you're turning 25, out of nowhere! Now isn't that the icing on the cake? Wait, why are there only 24 candles? Did I miss a year? Oh! No, wait, its on the floor, I dropped one. Or did I miss a year? Cause I swear its going by too fast, I don't even know how! Wait, yes I do, never mind.

And then you get your family "whining and complaining" about how you're not married yet, and wouldn't you like their help finding that someone special? And you're all like "Hellooo? Kind of busy here, dealing with Life! Sorry, Marriage, can I reschedule you to next Wednesday? Say between Now and Never? Oh? Your watch doesn't have a "now" and "never"? Fine, come at 2pm then and I'll leave a memo to myself to just ignore the phones and doorbell at that time, thanks and good bye."

And then there's your friends. God bless them, if it wasn't for them you'd be a very boring old fart, turning a quarter of a century old and all. They cheer you on, help you hold it together, glue you back together when you fall apart. They may not be all the king's horses or all the king's men, but they have enough anatomical knowledge to put my head and heart back in the right places. I mean your head and heart. This isnt about me, it's about you and how life hit you with a sledge hammer (and then stole all your pens…where are all my pens? Are they like socks in the dryer? Vanishing to a world beyond what we can see and touch?).

My God, I've turned into an old man, rambling on and on about things people don't care to hear about in the first place so they get stuck in a nursing home with unqualified nurses to deal with them.

Where was I? Oh right, sledge hammer. Sledge hammers don't belong in merry, sun-shiny, day-dreamy worlds! It's not my fault Life was sleeping like a dormant volcano when I was trying to wake it up and get it going. Now its like a sugar high toddler who discovered its feet and stairs at the same time. All "you cant catch me, na na na boo boo". But what happens when you _do _catch up with Life? You get a few days break and then, wham! You get thrown back into the cyclical pattern? No, I don't mean cynical, I mean cyclical, a revolving pattern. Anyway, you get my drift and if you don't by now you're probably pretty daft anyway or a zombie ate your brain cause it turned to mush reading this.

All they did was ask me to write a letter to the editor to commemorate my 25th year in existence and I went all (enter any famous actor who lost his cool and went on an 8 minute angry tirade to those in the general vicinity) on paper. Gotta say though, at least it wasn't boring right? ^_~

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>AN: Quatre's narrative switched multiple times from "I" to "you", this was written that way on purpose. You can choose to think of it as if he were talking to himself and the audience while writing (like thinking outloudrehearsing outloud before making a speech) or even go further and say he's not quite right in the head after his whole "Wing Zero turned my brain to mush" episode…poor guy lol.

The whole "cyclical vs cynical" thing was inspired by my favourite show Corner Gas. Major credit go to the writers of the show, and creator Brent Butt, super funny guys!

Oh, and movie that was referenced hit theatres recently in 3D. If you haven't guess after that hint, it was Titanic, although I'm not sure I quoted it word for word, credit due to James Cameron, amazingly well written story!

Hope you had as much fun reading this quirky bit as I did writing it! Reviews welcome!


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